This is a video I created quite a while ago. I shared it with a client recently who said, “Rebecca is me” because she identified so strongly with this inner dynamic. So I thought it was time to resurrect (ha!) the video and share it here. I’ll give you the sequence here in text and images as well, in case that works better for you than video.
“Connection-Phobic:” An Inner Experience of Social Anxiety
The transcript of the video will lay the following out in more of a flow. For here, I’ll give you the basic description of each state as we mapped and moved them.
Irritation
Fuzzy, hot, red energy on my skin. Vibrates quickly.
Pissed off when others aren’t happy even though I am sublimating my needs for them. No matter what I do, I can’t win. I am bending over backwards to be enough and I’m never enough. I am in danger.
Being Controlled
Like hard rubber, pushing down on head and shoulders; through back, gripping and crushing my heart. Neutral temp. Black.
I am being controlled by you. You are trying to make me be someone else. I am not good enough for you.
Resistance to Being Controlled
Blasting, exploding fire energy in my heart. Hot! Red, forcing outward, radiating powerfully.
I must fight this! NO! I refuse. You can’t make me!
Painful Disconnect
Sick feeling through back of torso and concentrated in stomach and pelvis; oozing tar, heavy, thick, sticky; uncomfortably warm, triggers hot flash; black; turning, pulsing, oozing as if by worms; turning flu symptoms.
I am truly alone even with you. Painful disconnect. You never really loved me. You just use me for gratification (conscious or otherwise). You have ulterior motives. Your expression of love is self-centered and manipulative.
Deeply Worthless
Sticky black tar. Filling my pelvic girdle, moving with slow churning as if by worms. Warm/neutral temp.
I am hopeless. I am disgusting and shameful. I am unworthy. I should change, be better, do better, but I cannot.
Destruction Inside
Crackling energy, numb. Cold like a chill. One inch outside, three inches inside. Gray. Crackling like cellophane. Mostly a fine particle energy, some larger streamers. Moving in and out randomly; vibrating erratically.
My being has no home. There is no safety and no escape. I am not loved.
Needing to Be Rescued
Throat, upper lungs; solid; cool, like steel; stainless steel color; squeezing, hurts, pressure from throat to stomach; sound, “Help me!”
Why won’t you help me? I need to be rescued. I’m dying and you don’t care.
Armored
Full metal jacket; wrought iron cage, rustic black iron. One or two inches outside my whole body. Cool. No movement.
You can’t hurt me. I am tough. I dare you to try! I am invincible to emotional harm.
Stuffing Feelings
Thick gas. Cool. Light gray. Inside Armored, in and around my body. Not much movement.
Everything is OK. I’m fine as long as everyone is happy.
Starting the Transition…
From here, we began to work one state at a time to transform the entire system.
Stuffing Feelings becomes Golden Bliss Kisses
Color is like a golden orgasm. Warm, concentrated liquid, distinct. Pouring in through top, down through inside of body and outside, out feet. Sound is an “Ahhh” and giggle, orgasm.
I feel good. I am bathed in joy.
Deeply Worthless becomes I Am Present
Multiple stars like paint balls bursting with impact. Energy, light. Orange, gold, luminescent. Hot (but good). All through my body with concentration in my abdomen. In a constant state of being radiant, pulsing. Caught mid explosion, like a snap shot. Sound like a paint ball of energy exploding.
I am present. I am fully alert and alive. I am awake and open.
Needing to Be Rescued becomes Solid Powerful Love
Warmer than body; solid, golden, glowing energy; golden and metallic mercury; heart; strong, outward movement; sound of a powerful hum; more powerful in twos, presence energy; magnetic pull.
I can feel it in me, and I can feel it in you. I am solid, strong, powerful, attracting the same.
Painful Disconnect becomes Powerful Connection
Fiber optic water energy. Light blue, shimmering. Flowing from back spine through heart and upper chest; movement out and back in. Body temperature. Sound like drops of water and bells.
I am in awe of this conduit. I am open and grand. My connection to others has a wide bandwidth.
Destruction Inside becomes I Am Love
Warm, fine, uniform energy, buoyant, weightless; golden, sparkly, ocean of golden sand; washing through me, everywhere; waves, dancing with sentience; sound is an ocean of gold, singing angel voices.
I am weightless. I am carried. I am held. I am free flowing. I am love or anything I want to be.
Irritation becomes Vibrantly Grounded
Fast-vibrating energy. Pinkish red. Swirling up through feet, through body and back out through feet. Hot at feet, cooler in body. Sound of burning, like a forge.
I am anchored to source as reference.
Being Controlled becomes I Am Exalted
Cool with hot specks; vibrant energy; white/light blue with red speckles; from behind, attached to my back and head, inside; pulling me up.
I am exalted, supported from above or behind.
Resistance to Being Controlled becomes Fire of My Truth
Hot, radiant light energy at my heart center and through my full body. Red. Movement is outward.
I am solid in my being, clear minded, clear hearted. Integrity is solid. Holder of integrity. Holder of my truth.
Armored becomes Connected Through Self
White, tiny web filaments connecting my skin energy to my heart. Movement is a kiss, a whisper, a feather.
I can feel my feelings. I am in touch with my experience. I am responsive and interactive with those with whom I connect.
And We Arrive at “Resurrected”
The nine ideal states become a new foundation for Rebecca’s engagement with others.
Life is good.
Enjoy! And feel free to share in the comments whether, and if so how, you might relate to the story here.
